Finding balance

The asshole title to this post was...
Accepting the down side to extreme brain lateralization: how prosodic and visual inclinations just aren't enough.

I struggle with planning and wanting to not. I just do. My mind is organic and works well under pressure. Throw me in the middle of a problem or situation at hand, and watch me visualize it and work directly through. But sit me down in front of Quickbooks with plans and great intentions, and watch me come up with a reason to procrastinate even starting properly. Aside from some of the more technical minds I've met that handle this with ease, I've noticed a subset of tattooers that are the same way I am. We're visual and we're good at it. But we feel stupid when anything requires linear reasoning.

It's my struggle. Where much of it is natural, I also carry some baggage that effects my outlook. Gonna get personal real quick... I was cracked open for open heart surgery at 9 months. My dad died at 6 (a terrible person, so it ended up being a good thing). By the age of 16 I had moved about 18 times. My mother was absolutely incredible, so I have a foundation, but I also have a penchant to not know what's next. So I live for the day... because tomorrow may not even happen. Now, I see how planning for what's next would make sense. But the way my brain is wired, mixed with my baggage, has directed me to live in the moment, the day, or maybe even - at it's extent - a month.

There is a beauty in living for the moment and my boy teaches me such. Every time we walk to the park, I'm intent on reaching the actual park (it's my destination). But Xavier enjoys the walk to the park as much as actually being at the park. He has no destination other than to enjoy, period.

I'm no fool though. I see the folly in my take. I'm raising a child and figuring out how to balance a burgeoning career. I'm in love with my baby boy in Chicago and I'm in love with a woman in Baltimore. For me to not only exist, but to do so and flourish will require something of which I'm not made of. It'll require calculation, estimation, and even fact retrieval. Damn.

So does living for the day transfer into managing daily appointment requests, having two calendars in two cities, balancing a checkbook, scheduling weekly flights, paying child support and bills, and still being a loving/attentive parent and an effective romantic?

It doesn't work at all. I fail often!

And I know I could simplify things and life would be less hectic. My heart would be split, but I'd figure out a way to be okay and life would go on. But honestly, even if I simplified and left all people I knew behind, I'd still struggle scheduling and balancing a checkbook. Sure, I'm an adult and have a semblance of these skills. But I also know my mind and recognize a hang up.

I want my relationships to flourish and my art as well. So I've been slowly learning to prioritize. Where before I didn't have a mental checklist, now I'm trying to process actions a little differently.

The next posts, over a few weeks, will try to zoom in on mental changes I'm trying to make and highlight both mistakes and revelations along the way.